she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
