Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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