I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
