ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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