I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
