He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
