; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
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Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
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It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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