Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
