someone owes me an orgasm
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
