I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
