I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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