i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
