so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
