How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
