i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
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And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
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Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
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