Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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