nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
