i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
