you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
