i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
