So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I can't turn off my feet"
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
