finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
