ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Randomize
