I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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