Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Randomize
