Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You were trust falling into bushes
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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