1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
