life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
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I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
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I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
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