Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
How does it feel to date your dad?
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