I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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