dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
