You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
