it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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