I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
