I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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