When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
