im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
3pm strippers are depressing
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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