he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
