I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Randomize
