its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
