Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
