He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
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I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
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It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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