If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
