who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
