I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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