If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
