Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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