I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
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