You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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