he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
