Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
