Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
