Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
