I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
