hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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