I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
